A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Marilyn vos Savant

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

For your information, I would like to ask a question.
Samuel Goldwyn

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
Paul Lynde

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Dennis Miller

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
P. J. O'Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

My inner child is not wounded.
Shannen Doherty

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

Never wear anything that panics the cat.
P. J. O'Rourke

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine

Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
George Bernard Shaw

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Fred Allen

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
David Ogilvy

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire

The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.
Dustin Hoffman

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
Casey Stengel

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Mark Twain

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
George Bernard Shaw

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
Fred Allen

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurber

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
Harry S. Truman

You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz